Safety Mode

As may be evidenced by my recent lack of updates, my mind has been a mess this week. This evening has been the first time that I've actually been able to keep thoughts in my head long enough to type them into coherent sentences. It's been strange, to say the least. Beginning two days ago, I felt like a switch had been flipped in my mind. Like all of my judgment and emotion and empathy had simply been shut off. I contemplated whether I had reached some uncomfortable nirvana or was simply brain damaged. I just felt... numb. I figured maybe it was my mind's "safety mode." Like maybe everything, good and bad, had just finally gotten so heavy that my brain decided to shut down some crucial parts for a while. I don't know how to explain it, really. I'm just glad it's fading.

Physically, I'm weak, but not fatigued. I've taken to drinking TONS of water. I like to think it helps flush everything out. Couldn't hurt, right?

When I'm not "taking it easy" (forcing myself to lay around and drink more copious amounts of water) I've been hanging out with friends and enjoying the sunshine. And the snow. I've enjoyed that, too. It's all lovely. At this point, I'm just waiting. And trying not to think about the waiting. I have my PET scan on Monday, and I just want so so so bad for that scan to be good news. Worst case scenario, it shows tumor enlargement and that the chemo has had no effect. I have decided that it will be quite the opposite, and I will have responded beautifully, no need for any more ICE, and we can move on to the transplant.

Hmmm. Either way, the next few weeks will be rough.

I will write more tomorrow, promise. My mind will hopefully be feeling even better. Ever the optimist. Until then, I leave you with a quote that I think is both apropos and awfully neat:



"Every season is likeable, and wet days and fine, red wine and white, company and solitude. Even sleep, that deplorable curtailment of the joy of life, can be full of dreams; and the most common actions—a walk, a talk, solitude in one’s own orchard—can be enhanced and lit up by the association of the mind. Beauty is everywhere, and beauty is only two finger’s-breadth from goodness. So, in the name of health and sanity, let us not dwell on the end of the journey."

-Virginia Woolf