Oh, hello, folks. I'm alive and well.
It's been a long few weeks. The wifi in the hospital was spotty, and I ended up not being able to access my blog for the rest of my time there. I was released on Monday, Day +18.
3 weeks, 4 days inpatient.
This has been the hardest thing I've ever done. The first week or so was the worst. The last week or so, I felt like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. In between is a blur of 4-hour vitals, daily labs, beeping infusion pumps, walking laps around the unit, measured urine, hospital meals, countless cups of ice water, and the taste of saline in my nose and throat. My counts dropped very late in the game (Day +14) so they finally gave me a shot of neupogen, that, while insanely painful, worked very well. It continued to work for three days. Once my White Blood Cell (WBC) count was high enough, I was discharged.
It felt like Brandon hugged me for an hour outside the hospital door. When I got in the car, Jazz pretended to be asleep, but once we got to the hotel, he had plenty to say. The first thing he did we show me his new ninja turtle shoes, and told me the character's names. Too cool. I cried, holding Jazz that evening, smelling his hair. I felt like I could finally sleep, now that I was back next to my husband, no midnight vitals and 4 am labs, no tubes connecting me to an IV pole.
Now, don't get me wrong. Physically, this was not as bad as my last transplant. It was a "reduced intensity chemo" because it didn't need to devastate my bone marrow this time. Also, being inpatient meant that I had food, medication, and life-saving help at the press of a button.
The biggest part was mental. Being isolated. Being away from my friends, being away the family that makes me whole. You can tell yourself a million times that your going away for a month to buy yourself years or even decades. (I did.) But once you're there.... once I was there... The sadness and longing is indescribable.
So. Tomorrow, we will be drawing some extra blood, checking to see how well Laura's cells are taking over my immune system. We will have results in 7-10 days. Until then, I go to the outpatient BMT clinic every other day for labs and transfusions. I always get two bags of magnesium when I go in, and it turns out I'm very sensitive to it. They have to run it for three hours instead of the regular two, and I still feel terrible for the rest of the day.
But there is still so much to be thankful for. I keep reminding myself of that. I don't feel tumors climbing up my throat. I can breathe. I am getting stronger every week.
Living in a tiny hotel room with two other people, one being a particularly sensitive and defiant toddler, in a busy and expensive city, away from the place we made home, is very very hard. It's so wonderful to be together again, but it's still so hard. But I'm so thankful to feel the wind again, to be with my family, to walk without lugging around an IV pole. It's hard. But I'm thankful.
60 some days to go.
