On the road...

I'm having a blast playing up here in the mountains, but I have no steady internet.

Stay tuned for a decent post on Thursday when Marty and I get settled into our hotel room (free wifi!) in Denver for the Rhythm Devil's show.

I'm feeling better every day, by the way.

And I'm smiling. A lot. :)

The Hollow Men

The last lines from the T.S. Eliot poem The Hollow Men are relatively well-known:

This is the way the world ends

not with a bang but a whimper.

They popped out at me a few days ago, and I couldn't shake them. I feel like that's how treatment ended for me. Not with a bang, but a whimper. I wanted to celebrate, I wanted to party and run around with my friends, drink a few pale ales. But it all just... ended one day. And since then I haven't had the strength or stamina to be enthusiastic about remission and the end of treatment. I'm still dealing with side-effects. I don't feel well yet, so a celebration for my being well seems wrong.

However, yesterday was my LAST appointment with my Radiation Oncologist, and it finally hit me. I'm done. Yes, I have scans in September. But treatment is done. I'm cancer free. I did it. My body did it. I was filled with something that I can only call understanding. I've been smiling ever since.

It's a sunny day, and I plan on being out in it.

6/27/10

I've got the post-radiation bluuuues.

Fatigue is kicking my butt. I sleep about as much as the cat. My daily routine is usually something like this: wake up, get coffee/work shift at the shop, come home, sleep for 4-6 hours, get up, eat dinner/ go out for an hour or two, go back to bed. No strength, no stamina. I wonder if it would help or hurt to push myself physically; should I be working out, or taking it easy? I'm not sure what to do, but I have to make sure to listen to my body this time around. I'm just so scared that this will never go away.

I've been thinking about Jon a lot. I miss him.

The road trip is coming together nicely. I've been researching coffee shops to visit. Looks like Portland has about a million.

I promise to write more soon. I think for now, I'll get back in bed.

Joyful Girl

Life is good. I'm working 5 days a week, the fatigue is (slowly but surely) fading day by day, and I found out today at my follow up with the Onc that I don't get a CT scan until September. That means, other than my Radiation follow up appointment in early July, that I am done being at the hospital every week, every day. As much as I love all of the nurses in the cancer center, I am ready to have a schedule free of office visits, bloodwork, chemo infusions and radiation appointments.

The "Road Trip of Epic Proportions" planning is coming along pretty well. Looks like we'll be on the road to the cabin in Colorado by July 14th, back from our travels to the west coast no later than August 17th. I'm ready for some adventures.

The End

I'm done. I survived treatment. I survived cancer.

I finished my final radiation treatment on Friday. It doesn't feel real yet. Just like being done with chemo didn't feel real until three weeks later and the day came around when I would have gotten my next treatment and I realized I wasn't in that chair. Come Monday at 2:30, I will realize that I'm not bolted down to that table like I have been at 2:30 for the past month of Mondays. I will breathe in deeply, breathe out slowly and go on with my day with a grin on my face.

I will look up at the sky every day and be thankful. Rain, clouds, sun, sleet- I have the honor of experiencing. Every cut and burn and headache, I will be thankful that I am here and I can feel. Every person I love, I will tell them. I'm so happy to be here.

Now it's time to rebuild. This may take a while.

And that's okay. I've got time to spare.

Only 3 more to go!

Today is a beautiful day. The sun is out, and big fluffy clouds abound. Lovely, lovely.

Jon's funeral was yesterday, and it was nice. I am finally feeling more at peace with his passing. His friends read a Bukowksi quote in the middle of a Catholic mass, and Jon would have loved it. I think that they didn't just party with him, they really "got" him.

I decided that the best way to honor someone after they've passed away is to emulate their best qualities, the ones that taught you the most. So I will strive to be non-judgmental, never take anything personally, and to write every day. Even though I didn't get to know him long enough, it was an honor to know Jon at all.

In other news, I only have 3 radiation treatments left! That's right, I will be D-O-N-E on Friday. I am so happy about this that words fail me. I went on my first bike ride since all of this cancer hulabaloo started last August, and it felt great. I couldn't go far, and my arms are weak and shaky now, but it was a good start.

Marty and I have begun to really sit down and plan our Road Trip Of Epic Proportions. A huge atlas has been bought, a calender is gathering pen marks. So far it's looking like we'll be in the cabin in the Colorado mountains for about a week, and we'll catch two Rhythm Devils shows while we're there. Then we'll jump up to Boise, where we'll catch another RD show and hopefully see some family and friends. Next is a good week in Oregon with a friend, then down into northern Cali to camp in the Redwoods, then down further to Berkeley for a few Phish shows at The Greek Theater. Next is possibly L.A., but this is where the plans get hazy. So far, it's sounding good to me. I just want to be on the road again. Living again.

He's Gone

My good friend Jon died yesterday.

He was 20 years old.

I love him very much. I miss him already. He was my favorite work buddy, he was someone I could tell anything to. He was absolutely hilarious. He was an amazing cook. He loved music and being on the road and bad Chinese food. On a daily basis, he would make me laugh so hard that I couldn't catch my breath. When I was going through chemo, he was one of the few people I could just babble my disjointed and nonsensical thoughts to. He was non-judgmental. He was an absolute hopeless romantic. Everyday, he would say some of the most hilariously ridiculous things. It got to the point that the staff just began writing it down and taping it up on the fridge at work. So many "Jon-isms." I told him we should make a book of them some day.

He had a beautiful tattoo on his arm, and when we worked together a few days ago, he was thinking of getting more. He was also holding his stomach, making faces, lamenting how he had eaten bad Chinese food for both breakfast and lunch that day. We were dancing around with joy last week when we found out we worked together twice a week on the new schedule.

He was gorgeous. He had an amazing smile. He had kind eyes.

He never seemed to listen, but he would be when you least expected it.

We all keep saying "should'a, would'a, could'a." We all keep wondering what we could have done to help him.

I know he was lonely. All he wanted was a sweet girl to love him and who he could love back. He wanted a deep connection, someone to take care of and make amazing meals for. But deep down inside, he was SO shy around girls. He always told me that they had to talk to him first, he couldn't do it.

2 for 1 burger Mondays won't be the same without you. Working won't be the same without you. Summer won't be the same without you.

God, Jon. I miss you.