I've been feeling surprisingly alright since the last treatment.
I have energy (sans stamina) and I'm feeling pretty positive. My only issue is that lately, the whole chemobrain situation feels like it's getting worse. I can't remember anything. Seriously. Names, faces, events. Gone. I have to write everything down in lists, and then I lose those lists because I forget where I put them. I have two calenders and I try to put things to remember into my phone with alarms to remind me, but man, this is getting ridiculous. Other things that continue to fade: my vocabulary, my wit, my ability to put thoughts together. I feel like I have the mind of a stoner, but I don't smoke. No fair.
But you know me. I have to find the upside. I like to look at this in from a sort of Buddhist perspective. I'm losing my identity, being stripped down to a more enlightened being. I'm taking away all of the silly little things that make me "Sara" and am becoming this nameless, newborn thing. It's kind of beautiful if you look at it that way.
In other news, my mind is always in the future. The next treatment, the end of treatment, the next PET scan, deciding about radiation. When I'm not thinking about the next step of my treatment, I'm thinking about being somewhere else. I'm blissed out in a cabin in the Colorado mountains, hiking through Oregon, camping among redwoods, on the beach in California, at a Phish concert in Berkeley. I'm not really here most of the time. Ram Das would be appalled.
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