It's beautiful outside, a sunshine daydream, and birds are chirping away and all I can think about is how much my stomach hurts, how I wish I could go on a walk but the fatigue is so bad that if I walk now, I might not get through my shift at the shop tonight. Everyday I try to learn more about radiation and thyroid function and short and long term effects. Everyday I get to the point where I start to cry and I exit out of the window.
It's spring, and all I can think about is how I want to be reborn.
Okay, Sara, let's get on with the positive. I went out Friday night and saw Ani Difranco in Kansas City. The show was amazing. Really beautiful and powerful. Yesterday was the big ReThink Topeka event downtown, and it was so wonderful to walk in the sun and see so many smiling faces. Later, Marty and I and some friends lounged around a fire pit in Kat and Ben's backyard, drinking wine and beer, eating pineapple and other assorted goodies, playing guitar and laughing. It really has been wonderful to be out and doing things this weekend. It makes me feel alive and part of the world again.
God, everything is so beautiful and alive. I keep thinking that I've cheated death twice now, and I'm so grateful to have more time to live. It really makes you look at the little things differently. Actually, it makes it so the little things don't matter at all. Now that's enlightenment.
I also keep thinking about what I want to be when I grow up, (I am nearly a senior now, after 6 years) and I've decided on being that cute, blissed out old lady that has a big grin on her face all the time, and no one knows why. They just know she's figured something out. I know I want to help people and make people's days brighter. I want to make people feel like they are better and happier people, having known me. Other than that, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm an English major with no ideas on a career. That's nothing new.
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