The only constant

So, maybe you've noticed my lack of blogging in the last 4 months. Sorry about that. Life has changed in about every way possible. Throw writer's block on top of that, and you have a very silent blog on your hands.

Brandon pointed out the other day that maybe I'm having trouble writing here because this isn't a cancer blog anymore. It's a "life after cancer" blog. It's a "done with cancer forever" blog. Maybe the reason I haven't been able to write is that this blog has to change as much as my life has. So, may I present to you... my "life after kicking cancer's ass" blog. Some important updates:

I got a clean CT scan in June. That's right. Get out and stay out, tumors!

There was something growing inside of me that the CT scan missed. I'm pregnant! More on that seeming impossibility in a bit.

I'm now engaged to a smart, devoted, caring man named Brandon. He was one of my caregivers while I went through my transplant in KC. His smiles and friendship got me through some of my darkest days. He's a born giver. He takes care of me, loves me, and loves to be with me every moment. Besides, how could you not fall in love with a man that says you're the most beautiful girl he's ever seen while you're bald, eyebrow-less, pale, have a tube hanging out of a hole in your chest, and are wearing a hospital mask? He's amazing. He's everything I've ever wanted. Gush gush gush.

Now back to the big news. I'm pregnant. You're probably thinking the same thing I was when I was holding that positive pregnancy test all those weeks ago: "Holy crap! Didn't the doctors say that was impossible?!" Yes, they made it pretty clear that the transplant would most likely make me completely infertile. The point was driven home when I experienced menopause from March through June. No period, constant hot flashes, the works. Well, it turns out that the universe had other plans. In fact, I was probably about four weeks along when I got my CT scan in June! I'm due February 28th, and I'm so so so excited. I thought that I would never get the chance to be a mother... that it was a gift that had been taken away in return for surviving. I thought the only thing that could grow inside of me was cancer. Sometimes, It's awesome to be wrong.

As of today, I am officially 17 weeks pregnant. In fact, this morning, I felt the baby kick! I placed Brandon's hand on my tummy, and watched his face light up as he felt the little movement, too. So freaking neat! I can't tell if the baby was so active because it's a morning person like me, or because it was annoyed that I was awake so damn early, like it's father. Either way, it was an experience that when I thought about it before it happened, seemed sort of creepy. But when I felt it, I knew immediately what it was. And it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Anyhoo, I promise you this, faithful readers: I will be updating weekly. And while this blog will still have updates regarding clean scans, bloodwork and doctor's visits, it will mostly be about my life as a cancer survivor, (no longer cancer patient!) a wife, a mother, a coffee geek, a bookworm, and a person who is trying to fully and abundantly live a life that she fought for.

Everything has changed, and I couldn't ask for a better life. Change is inevitable and good. What is it that Joseph Campbell said?

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."